As a single momma I have had someone help me decorate my house for the holidays for as long as I can remember.
When I was married my husband did it and since our divorce I have paid someone to help me. I have done BIG and BOLD and FULL, I have done all white icicles and TONS of statues in the yard, I have done white and purple and lined the tree trunks and had presents under every tree, and then there was THIS year.
I knew it was coming. I knew I was going to have to make a decision. Was I going to call a friend and beg, hire someone or do nothing? I couldn’t decide. What would I tell Jack? He was expecting HUGE BIG AND BOLD. Or was he?
I started to realize I didn’t want to hang everything from every corner of the ceiling inside and out. Was it because I was not in the spirit? Was I just exhausted and was going to flake out? Hummmmmm…
Thanksgiving came and went. And then this weekend. The weekend we usually get our trees, decorate the house inside and out and sip hot cocoa next to the fire.
As I was driving home this past week I realized that I might be the one with the expectations.
Was it really coming from Jack or was it what I thought I needed to do to make him happy or he would be disappointed? Hummmmmmmmm…
I knew I couldn’t get on the roof. That wasn’t happening.
Yet, if I asked myself what I COULD DO what would be the answer?
It was interesting that in all the years (over 10) that I have been hiring people I haven’t thought what could I do on my own?
I DIDN’T think I could bend or lift because oh my back. I DIDN’T think I could figure out the cords or not make it look dorky. I SIMPLY SAID I COULDN’T DO IT. WOW. I really thought I couldn’t go out to the shed, go through the bins and pull out what I needed and put something together. WOW
I decided to challenge MYSELF and talk to Jack and ask what he would be OK with. Yup, went right to the source of WHAT I THOUGHT and WHO I THOUGHT I had to please. Guess What? He said, “Mom your idea is great. WE can do it.” WE. YUP WE. So I went to work on my plan and few surprises too.
Here is the end result:
The one of the side of the house is actually one of the laser projectors that shines tons of lights on the whole house and trees, etc. It’s howling wind here right now so you can barely see it yet trust me the whole house is lit up.
We got our TINY trees today and put up the wreaths. What was the biggest hit for Jack? That he SAW ME DO THIS for us. Not just for him for US. Yesterday he saw me on my back in the dirt under a tree with extension cords working on placing the laser projectors. He would bang on the window and wave and blow kisses. It was cold and wet and I didn’t care. I did it. (With help from Amy who put together the actual star wars figures.)
The entire time I was doing it I was thinking of my dad. How he would climb ladders and put up lights and make it bright for the holidays for us. Today I did that for my family. I have HELD myself back for so long. I have not done these things because I didn’t think I could do it or it wouldn’t BE ENOUGH. Jack or someone would be disappointed. He kept thanking me last night over and over, “Mom thank you so much for the lights and the Star Wars. I love it.” Over and over.
I knew then it wasn’t that I needed to be the house with the MOST lights or the house with the COOLEST things. I just needed to see that love and sparkly in my boys eye. IT WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH. All of it. The talking about it, the planning, the doing, and the gazing.
I kept thinking I DID THIS.
I DID THIS. ME. I DID IT. There was a part of me that came back home to my heart. Into my body and soul. I not only lit up the house I lit up my spirit and Jacks in a way that words pale to describe.
My question for you is this: Where are you HOLDING yourself back?