This week I did something WAY out of my comfort zone. I let my friend, Nikki Groom, tell part of my story. I was nervous, excited, worried, OMG what have I done and at the end of that 30 seconds of emotions I said it is what it is. It’s part of my story it’s NOT ME. It happened in my life but it doesn’t define me.
I used to hear people say those words and think what in the world are they talking about. Don’t they realize that it was awful or it was scary or it does define me? How could I escape it not defining me?
I was stuck. I had lived years and years keeping secrets. Told not to say anything. That no one would love me if I said a word. Hushed, Shushed and Silenced.
I was living a life people saw on the outside yet never knew on the inside. I felt like a fake, a liar, but most of all I felt shame and embarrassment.
So So So many secrets. Secrets KILL. They kill joy, trust, confidence, creativity and more more more.
When I was a young girl I told a secret in my family to my family. I was so scared. But the secret had to come out. There was a lot of shame associated with telling this secret and other in the family were really mad at me for NOT keeping it SILENT. I broke the glass on their reality…..that can be very scary for people.
When I was about 25 I had to tell another secret about my past to some of my family and I was so scared. Yet the secret had to come out. Again, some stopped talking to me. Anger and shame came my way. You see when you decide to TELL, others will work hard to have you NOT TELL. They believe the house of cards will fall down, their reputation is at stake and they just can’t risk YOU TELLING. So yes the fear of having others upset with us is real. Yet, there is a decision to make. YOU WEAR THE WEIGHT OF THE SECRETS and have it impact YOUR LIFE and KILL your joy, hope and passion or TELL and relieve the pressure that is killing you slowly.
Again, at the age of 51 I had to break open Pandora ’s Box. The one I had been hiding and holding near to my chest since I was about 22. I had held on and held on, stuffed down, lied, hid. I hid from my friends, I hid from parts of my family and I hid from myself. I worked so hard on other areas of my life to numb out. I gained weight to numb out. I smoked to numb out. I became a workaholic to numb out.
I was wearing so many masks. The business woman. The single momma. The never ending learner. The happy Karen, The hopeful Karen, The capable Karen while inside I didn’t feel those things as much as I would like to if at all.
I got my bachelor’s degree, worked on my Masters. I got certification after certification after certification, to NUMB OUT and CONVINCE myself I was still doing something with my life and I was really ok. I wasn’t.
Have you ever hidden from yourself? Have you ever held something so deep, so inside of yourself that you forgot how badly it made you feel because you were working so hard to numb out?
We do the beach ball coping strategy so damn much we get SHOCKED when we can’t hold it down in the water anymore and it RUSHES up out of the water. Well, of course it’s going to do that. What happens when we just let it then go? It comes back down and just floats……..on the water. FLOATS!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, if anyone could have every really explained this to me over the last 59 years my life would have BEEN SO DAMN DIFFERENT.
I have spent so much of my life holding that ball down to hide it from everyone and then freaking out when I can’t continue and my heart and arms get tired.
I have SO SO many clients so afraid of their emotions when they first come to me. They hold them down in the water holding onto them just like a beach ball. Holding. Holding. Holding. For years, and then one day, a dog dies, a cat is lost, a child is born, fired from a job, a death occurs AND BAM BAM BOOM. The ball comes BLASTING UP and total loss of control occurs and fear of being everything you were told is going to be TRUE….no one will love you, they will leave you, you are a total failure, you can’t do anything right, your choices suck… Sound familiar?
So I came out this week. What do I mean by that? I mean no more secrets … NONE … no more. I came out with some of my story when I launched my new website. I let Nikki it post and send on the story this week.
NO MORE SECRETS. NO MORE SECRETS.
100% transparency now. 100% vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the new STRENGTH
Are you willing to be transparent?
Are you willing to be vulnerable?
If being FREE meant being vulnerable are you willing to take one step towards that?
Write a list of all of your secrets.
Say them out loud and then if you want to have a ceremony to burn them, DO IT.
It won’t change that they happened. It will begin to shift the energy of your life.
Who knows what possibilities will come… I never knew I would be sitting here writing you this.
I would love to know how this story touched you. Please leave a comment down below and let me know.