December is usually a very mixed bag of emotions for me. I love the Holiday season and all it brings. I don’t love the greed, entitlement and expectations. I love the music, the heart filled messages from friends on their cards. I don’t love the ugly comments or statements about others religions or beliefs…
Yup, I am in total reflection mode. I do a ritual every year first taught to me by my life coach, friend and mentor, Rhonda Britten. I have tweaked it and made it my own now but the basics of honoring myself in the year, being grateful for all in the year and setting intention for 2016 remains the same.
Also at this exact week 8 years ago I took a stand for myself. I left my home, changed the locks, and got the dog to the vet for boarding, wrapped up baby Jack and we went to a safe house. Eight years ago I was in a court room getting restraining orders and making a plan for our safety. The Christmas lights were on straight for 3 weeks. I didn’t go home. Christmas was at the safe house that year. Thank goodness it involved tons of people I loved and that loved us. I used to NOT talk about this. I kept it under wraps. I am committed TO NOT keeping anything under wraps anymore. Those feelings of shame, not being good enough or smart enough to stop it STOPPED ME from saying anything. From doing anything. NO MORE.
I am reflecting today on where we are at, where I am at, and how FREE I feel. Eight years ago I was sure life was about to end. I was sure that I would die at the hands of my abuser. In all honesty I was sure Jack and I both would. Unless I did something. So I did. I said NO MORE and we left and I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. If I or Jack were going to die I was going to go out with a fight.
Clearly we didn’t die and for that I am grateful. I created a boundary that I thought I couldn’t. I DID IT.
I was glad, sad, relieved and downright SCARED. When you make a stand for yourself sometimes people react. They can react with support, some with shaming and some with anger. If you are not in the routine of creating boundaries and keeping them then creating any boundary with be TERRIFYING. And it can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS. That in turn can stop us from living our lives in the way our heart and soul crave and yearn for. The MOAT of feelings that begin to build because of the discrepancy between the life we are living and the life we crave.
That starts the process of our spirit withering. We begin to live smaller and smaller and then give in and give up. We say OH OK I didn’t really mean it or Ok, we can do it YOUR way.
As I sit here and reflect I am clear I want to have a conversation with you deeply about what you crave. I want to know where it’s hard to create that. I want to discover how I can support you more and more.
Are you with me? Ready to take the journey together?
Leave a comment below with your reflections on 2015. I can’t wait to hear from you.